All my dearest friends! How are you!
I'm here to ask for forgiveness!
I know that a simple 'sorry' or 'please forgive me' will not be able to eliminate the pain and sadness in all of you and it's not sufficient to express my apologies and appreciation. I feel language is so useless to me at this point in time, but I still want to thank all of you.
You might not understand how I went through this period of time when I travelled from Beijing to Hong Kong, Hong Kong to Taipei and from Taipei to Kaohsiung, Kaohsiung to Taipei, Taipei to Hong Kong, Hong Kong to Kunming and finally back to Beijing. And all I want now is to have a good sleep, let me sleep for 3 days 3 nights, I am tired, I am really tired....
Taiwan is where I dreamed of going, there is beautiful scenery and smiles from my thousands of friends. I wanted so much to bring back good memories. But, as unpredictable as weather, fate dealt me great difficulties at this time. My most precious relationship was in danger. On the very first day I stepped on Taiwan, I was warmed by all of you, and really wished to sweep away the dark clouds in my heart, but things got worse with each day. Feeling that love had ended and couldn't be salvaged, I didn't even know how to face happiness everyday, I can't bring on a smile to face everybody, what should I do, should I give up? No, it's difficult to meet someone whom you can build a profound relationship, should I end a 6-year relationship because of my negligence and my faults? I was far away in Taiwan, I could only count on a telephone line for communication, if I lost touch with her that would mean the end of our relationship, what should I do? What could I do? May be I should forsake the relationship because of my career, let the relationship go with the wind, I might be able to gain more in some aspects but there is also the possibility that I will regret for the rest of my life for not having taken a last effort.
Can all of you tell me what I should have done?
When I told my most beloved and trustworthy Auntie Qiong Yao, she was very worried also. Finally she was moved by me. She let me go back and give my last try. Although I know that this might be a wasted trip but I want to try and I know I won't regret it for the rest of my life. I even wanted to wait for a few more days because I didn't want to disappoint all of you, I really didn't wish to cause any unhappiness, I can't go on without all of you, all of you are my support, up to now, and forever. But, how could I go on without her? I believe you will understand if you have ever experienced the same kind of love, you will understand the pain that I was going through. If you really understand me, you will understand my decision and if you love me, you will understand my love. I only wanted to regain my true love and if this hurts the friendship with all of you, I hope to seek your understanding.
In Kaohsiung, I was having diarrhea and running a slight fever, I was the only one who knew why, I was afraid if this continued, I would fall ill in Taiwan, I really could not persist further! With deep pain, I decided to go look for her, show her my heart and if she could still understand me, she would be moved, she would know how much I love her.
It's about midnight when I reached Taipei, after a 5-hour journey by car from Kaohsiung. I packed my luggage with an exhausted heart and bid goodbye to Auntie Qiong Yao. I prayed hard that heaven would bless me and stepped on my way home. I didn't know what fate would deal me but I strongly knew what difficulties and obstacles I would have to face afterwards. Yet no matter what, I believed my friends would forgive me and if Er Kang is someone who only treasures immediate fame and fortune and is heartless, why would he have so much truthful rewards from the present group of friends?
However, things weren't too smooth for me. When I reached Hong Kong early in the morning, I waited for another 5 hours in the airport to catch a flight to Kunming, it's about 5pm when I arrived with mixed feelings. I didn't know whether she was still in Kunming and whether I could find her; but no matter what, I was already so close to her. Perhaps my sincerity touched the heavens or because of the blessings from Auntie Qiong Yao and all of you, I finally met her and when I stood in front of her with a bouquet of flowers, she cried....
As to how I should treasure this relationship in the future, I do not wish to discuss further here. Time will prove everything. However, I must say that, without Auntie Qiong Yao's support, without the understanding and blessing from all of you, I might not have made it, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, all my wonderful, respectable, lovable friends, it's you who have given me all these. Here I wish all of you happiness and safety.
During my journey back to China, I received a lot of calls from reporters, I was feeling really down then and couldn't talk further on why I left but I didn't expect there would be reports that I did not leave for love, but rather, that I wasn't happy with the promotional activities. This no doubt was sprinkling salt on my open wound, adding to my miseries and hurting Auntie Qiong Yao, obviously she knew why I left and that I had no choice at that point in time. How could I deny this fact? I will not and cannot deny this fact, never! I hope all of you will continue to love me, believe me, understand me, don't I know how important it is to protect myself? Don't I know the difference between what helps and what hurts?.........
Sigh!~I sincerely want to tell all of you "sorry, sorry, my friends"
Sorry, Auntie Qiong Yao; sorry, friends at happyrose; sorry, to those who tried to make this trip to Taiwan possible; sorry to those friends who were disappointed, I ask for your forgiveness....
Do all of you still love me???
Forever forever loving you and thinking of you as Er Kang!
Zhou Jie 1999.4.16 scribbled at Beijing